Psalm 119 IX: Rivers of waters run down my eyes, because they keep not thy law

From Psalms

Psalm 119:129-144
                        Pe
¹²⁹Thy testimonies are wonderful:
      therefore doth my soul keep them.
¹³⁰The entrance of thy words giveth light;
      it giveth understanding unto the simple.
¹³¹I opened my mouth, and panted:
      for I longed for thy commandments.
¹³²Look thou upon me, and be merciful unto me, as thou usest to do unto those that love thy name.
¹³³Order my steps in thy word: and let not any iniquity have dominion over me.
¹³⁴Deliver me from the oppression of man: so will I keep thy precepts.
¹³⁵Make thy face to shine upon thy servant; and teach me thy statutes.
¹³⁶Rivers of waters run down mine eyes, because they keep not thy law.

                   Tsadhe
¹³⁷Righteous art thou, O Lord,
      and upright are thy judgments.
¹³⁸Thy testimonies that thou hast commanded
      are righteous and very faithful.
¹³⁹My zeal hath consumed me,
      because mine enemies have forgotten thy words.
¹⁴⁰Thy word is very pure:
      therefore thy servant loveth it.
¹⁴¹I am small and despised:
      yet do not I forget thy precepts.
¹⁴²Thy righteousness is an everlasting righteousness,
      and thy law is the truth.
¹⁴³Trouble and anguish have taken hold on me:
      yet thy commandments are my delights.
¹⁴⁴The righteousness of thy testimonies is everlasting:
      give me understanding, and I shall live.

Wow, it feels so good to be making entries in this blog, again...and making a connection with God.  Gods word lifts the weight of worry and addiction from my shoulders.  His word puts life into perspective.  When work and life's other pursuits consume me His testimonies and commandments bring me back.

I have to be honest.  In my absence from my posts, from time to time, I have fallen off the wagon and back into my addictions.  We addicts, no matter how long our sobriety, are never immune.  However, I can say that in sobriety you do gain awareness.  In that awareness you realize when you drift from your support, drift from your tools, and drift away from God.  And in coming back to my blog posts I am coming back to my tool of prayer, but more importantly returning to the grace and healing of God.

In this hour of recovery do you know where your support is?  God bless.

Thanks for letting me share.

Psalm 119 pt VIII: It is time, Lord, to work

From Psalms

Psalm 119:113-128
Samekh
¹¹³I hate vain thoughts:
      but thy law do I love.
¹¹⁴Thou art my hiding place and my shield:
      I hope in thy word.
¹¹⁵Depart from me, ye evildoers:
      for I will keep the commandments of my God.
¹¹⁶Uphold me according unto thy word, that I may live:
      and let me not be ashamed of my hope.
¹¹⁷Hold thou me up, and I shall be safe:
      and I will have respect unto thy statutes continually.
¹¹⁸Thou hast trodden down all them that err from thy statutes:
      for their deceit is falsehood.
¹¹⁹Thou puttest away all the wicked of the earth like dross:
      therefore I love thy testimonies.
¹²⁰My flesh trembleth for fear of thee;
      and I am afraid of thy judgments.

Ayin
¹²¹I have done judgment and justice:
      leave me not to mine oppressors.
¹²²Be surety for thy servant for good:
      let not the proud oppress me.
¹²³Mine eyes fail for thy salvation,
      and for the word of thy righteousness.
¹²⁴Deal with thy servant according unto thy mercy,
      and teach me thy statutes.
¹²⁵I am thy servant; give me understanding,
      that I may know thy testimonies.
¹²⁶It is time for thee, Lord, to work:
      for they have made void thy law.
¹²⁷Therefore I love thy commandments above gold;
      yea, above fine gold.
¹²⁸Therefore I esteem all thy precepts concerning all things to be right;
      and I hate every false way.

I have been away from the psalms - and in some ways away from my recovery.  However, tonight it is time, Lord, to work.  To return to my recovery.

As the psalmist writes in  Samekh, "Thou art my hiding place and my shield."  I am free from my addictions when I am in prayer and in God's word.  "I hope in thy word," for there is healing in God's word and tonight it is soothing.

"Hold thou me up, and I will be safe: and will have respect unto thy statutes continually."  I know I am safe from my addictions in God's word - however, to be honest, to honor and respect God's continually is more than I am capable of.  I know that without that however, I will succumb to my addictions.  So, I pray for capacity for continual respect, and the continual presence of God in my life.

Thank God for the healing power of psalms, which give me strength over the problems and addictions in my life.  Amen.

Thanks for letting me share.

Psalm 119 Pt VII: I love thy law, it is my meditation all the day

From Psalms

Psalm 119: 97-112

Mem
⁹⁷O how love I thy law!
      it is my meditation all the day.
⁹⁸Thou through thy commandments hast made me wiser than mine enemies:
      for they are ever with me.
⁹⁹I have more understanding than all my teachers:
      for thy testimonies are my meditation.
¹⁰⁰I understand more than the ancients,
      because I keep thy precepts.
¹⁰¹I have refrained my feet from every evil way,
      that I might keep thy word.
¹⁰²I have not departed from thy judgments:
      for thou hast taught me.
¹⁰³How sweet are thy words unto my taste!
      yea, sweeter than honey to my mouth!
¹⁰⁴ Through thy precepts I get understanding:
      therefore I hate every false way.

Nun
¹⁰⁵Thy word is a lamp unto my feet,
      and a light unto my path.
¹⁰⁶I have sworn, and I will perform it,
      that I will keep thy righteous judgments.
¹⁰⁷I am afflicted very much: quicken me,
      O Lord, according unto thy word.
¹⁰⁸Accept, I beseech thee, the freewill offerings of my mouth,
      O Lord, and teach me thy judgments.
¹⁰⁹My soul is continually in my hand:
      yet do I not forget thy law.
¹¹⁰The wicked have laid a snare for me:
      yet I erred not from thy precepts.
¹¹¹Thy testimonies have I taken as an heritage for ever:
      for they are the rejoicing of my heart.
¹¹²I have inclined mine heart to perform thy statutes alway,
      even unto the end.

My best days start with meditation on psalms...these meditations stay with me the rest of the day.  These days, and weeks, if I can string enough of those days together, allow me to live like the psalmist in these verses.  Where God's word is a lamp unto my feet guiding me in my choices and spirit.  Where my feet (and my fingers on the keyboard) refrain from all evils.  Where I get understanding from God's precepts.  Where my soul is continually in my hand.  Where His testimonies are the rejoicing of my heart.

Between those days there are others where I stray from his word.  Where I consider revisiting my addictions.  Where I forget that God has his hand on me.  Thankfully though those are only passing - and fewer and fewer as time passes in His word.  Thankfully in the end I return to His word, His psalms, and His direction.  I am continually reminded of the beauty and joy that I have in the life the God has planned and destined for me.  I am eternally grateful for God's grace and forgiveness.
Thanks for letting me share.

Psalm 119 pt VI: My soul fainteth for thy salvation

From Psalms

Psalm 119: 81-96

(Kaph)
⁸¹My soul fainteth for thy salvation:
      but I hope in thy word.
⁸²Mine eyes fail for thy word, saying,
      When wilt thou comfort me?
⁸³For I am become like a bottle in the smoke;
      yet do I not forget thy statutes.
⁸⁴How many are the days of thy servant?
      when wilt thou execute judgment on them that persecute me?
⁸⁵The proud have digged pits for me,
      which are not after thy law.
⁸⁶All thy commandments are faithful:
      they persecute me wrongfully; help thou me.
⁸⁷They had almost consumed me upon earth;
      but I forsook not thy precepts.
⁸⁸Quicken me after thy lovingkindness;
      so shall I keep the testimony of thy mouth.

(Lamedh)
⁸⁹For ever, O Lord,
      thy word is settled in heaven.
⁹⁰Thy faithfulness is unto all generations:
      thou hast established the earth, and it abideth.
⁹¹They continue this day according to thine ordinances:
      for all are thy servants.
⁹²Unless thy law had been my delights,
      I should then have perished in mine affliction.
⁹³I will never forget thy precepts:
      for with them thou hast quickened me.
⁹⁴I am thine, save me:
      for I have sought thy precepts.
⁹⁵The wicked have waited for me to destroy me:
      but I will consider thy testimonies.
⁹⁶I have seen an end of all perfection:
      but thy commandment is exceeding broad.

My soul is weary and needs some propping up from time to time.  I guess that's normal since we all deal with the struggles and conflicts of life.  Sometimes, though, I get the thought that the propping up can come from a drink of wine, some porn, or even a cup of coffee.  Of course, I know that relief is only momentary.  The same way the energy from a candy bar only lasts for a few minutes and leaves you more drained when its gone.

Of course, I know that true strength and endurance comes from something deeper than that.  I am grateful for the psalms for they remind me that although I have my struggles and conflict that God can give me that strength, and His word can give me that hope.

Thank you God for the strength and hope that you provide everyday.  Continue to guide me on my journey.  Quicken me after thy lovingkindness so shall I keep the testimony of thy mouth.  Unless thy law had been my delights, I should have perished in mine affliction.  I am thine, save me...continue to save me.  Amen.

Thanks for letting me share.

Psalm 119 pt V: It is good for me that I have been afflicted

From Psalms

Psalm 119 v:65-80

(Teth)
⁶⁵Thou hast dealt well with thy servant,
      O Lord, according unto thy word.
⁶⁶Teach me good judgment and knowledge:
      for I have believed thy commandments.
⁶⁷Before I was afflicted I went astray:
      but now have I kept thy word.
⁶⁸Thou art good, and doest good;
      teach me thy statutes.
⁶⁹The proud have forged a lie against me:
      but I will keep thy precepts with my whole heart.
⁷⁰Their heart is as fat as grease;
      but I delight in thy law.
⁷¹It is good for me that I have been afflicted;
      that I might learn thy statutes.
⁷²The law of thy mouth is better unto me than thousands of gold and silver.

(Yodh)
⁷³Thy hands have made me and fashioned me:
      give me understanding, that I may learn thy commandments.
⁷⁴They that fear thee will be glad when they see me;
      because I have hoped in thy word.
⁷⁵I know, O Lord, that thy judgments are right,
      and that thou in faithfulness hast afflicted me.
⁷⁶Let, I pray thee, thy merciful kindness be for my comfort,
      according to thy word unto thy servant.
⁷⁷Let thy tender mercies come unto me,
      that I may live: for thy law is my delight.
⁷⁸Let the proud be ashamed; for they dealt perversely with me without a cause:
      but I will meditate in thy precepts.
⁷⁹Let those that fear thee turn unto me,
      and those that have known thy testimonies.
⁸⁰Let my heart be sound in thy statutes;
      that I be not ashamed.

One concept that I struggle with is that "It is good for me that I have been afflicted," from verse 71.  It has been good for me to have my sex addiction and alcoholism.  I understand that without them I would not have learned a true faith in God - or learned his statutes.  I've had to hand over probably the biggest struggles in my life.  Obviously that doesn't mean you have to be an addict to have fatih in God, but I've heard people attribute more things to the hand of God in a 12 step meeting than maybe anywhere else.  Nevertheless, to think that the pain the addictions has brought to me and those around me are somehow good.  That's where I struggle.

I guess it's easier for me to hear this concept in Laura Story's Blessings.  Somehow it makes sense when she sings it in this context.  This reminds me of another phrase I've heard while training for triathlons.  That is, "Pain is merely weakness leaving you body."  This, in a weird way, give me hope - for the process of pain and suffering is making me stronger and better equipped for what life has for me.  I guess its a lot like the cliche, "That which does not kill me only makes me stronger."  Nevertheless, its a common theme in psalm 119 that I pray that God may quicken me with his word.

Thanks for letting me share.