Psalm 36 (KJV): In thy light shall we see light

From Psalms

Psalm 36

¹The transgression of the wicked saith within my heart,
      that there is no fear of God before his eyes.
²For he flattereth himself in his own eyes,
      until his iniquity be found to be hateful.
³The words of his mouth are iniquity and deceit:
      he hath left off to be wise, and to do good.
⁴He deviseth mischief upon his bed;
he setteth himself in a way that is not good;
      he abhorreth not evil.

⁵Thy mercy, O LORD, is in the heavens;
      and thy faithfulness reacheth unto the clouds.
⁶Thy righteousness is like the great mountains;
      thy judgments are a great deep:
O LORD, thou preservest man and beast.

⁷How excellent is thy lovingkindness,
O God! therefore the children of men
      put their trust under the shadow of thy wings.
⁸They shall be abundantly satisfied
      with the fatness of thy house;
and thou shalt make them drink
      of the river of thy pleasures.
⁹For with thee is the fountain of life:
      in thy light shall we see light.

¹⁰O continue thy lovingkindness
      unto them that know thee;
and thy righteousness
      to the upright in heart.
¹¹Let not the foot of pride come against me,
      and let not the hand of the wicked remove me.

¹²There are the workers of iniquity fallen:
they are cast down,
      and shall not be able to rise.

One of the groups that I meet with uses the concept of circles to describe activities in terms of our addiction.  Outer circle is healthy activities, including activities unrelated to my addiction and activities related to recovery.  These could include going to church, going for a run, or working the steps.  Middle circle is activities which generally lead to my addiction behaviors but aren't my addiction themselves.  These would include going to a restaurant (or bar) with the guys from work, working on my computer while home alone, or looking up massage parlors online.  Generally, risky behavior but not acting out in my addiction, things that I need to avoid, or be very careful and aware with.  Where as inner circle are my addictive behaviors which would "reset" my sobriety date; drinking alcohol, watching porn, masturbating.

I go through phases where I find I am spending more time in my middle circle.  Placing myself at risk.  I give this background because as I read through Psalm 36 I realize the person being discussed is not somebody else - it's the enemy within.  I lay awake plotting (verse 4) - justifying that I could stop by a new strip club, and how I could do it.  I continue to lie about my problems (verse 3) - I am not completely open and honest, I continue to cover up.  I flatter myself in the progress that I have made (verse 2) - knowing full well that this journey of recovery is still on-going and there is much more healing to be done.

Some people may say this enemy within is Satan; whispering undermining thoughts into our minds.  I'm not so sure that I buy this explanation.  I believe that it's just the selfish lazy part of me that is looking for the easy path to gratification.  Whatever the source of this evil, as I finish up this writing for the day, an urge that filled me when I started this has passed and is now gone.  Showing once again, when we focus on God he will guide the way - and in thy light shall we see light.

Thanks for letting me share.