Psalm 1 (KJV) - Be like a tree planted by the rivers, bearing fruit

From Psalms

Psalm 1 (KJV)

¹Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly,
nor standeth in the way of sinners,
      nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.

²But his delight is in the law of the LORD;
      and in his law doth he meditate day and night.

³And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water,
      that bringeth forth his fruit in his season;
      his leaf also shall not wither;
      and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.

⁴The ungodly are not so:
      but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away.

⁵Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment,
      nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous.

⁶For the LORD knoweth the way of the righteous:
      but the way of the ungodly shall perish.

This Psalm means more to me than six months ago (or so) when I first wrote it.  At the time I didn't understand the fruits the way I do now.  In a parable kind of way, I feel like the tree by the river, in a way I couldn't have felt six months ago.  I see the fruit of the spirit (Galations 5:22,23) in my life:  love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

I will have many more opportunities to talk about the fruit in later days.  However, for now let's focus on the fruit of peace.  This peace comes from the promises of the 12 steps.  I know now how to handle situations that used to baffle me.  Although my journey through the 12 steps is not complete - I am amazed before I am half-way through.

My entire life during my sex addiction had become unmanageable – not just the addicted part of my life, but my whole life.  You see, lies were not just part of covering up my addiction. Lies were everywhere.  Somedays I couldn't keep them all straight.  The worst part was when I believed the lies I told myself.  Now there is a genuine sense of relief and peace that I now do not have to lie.  The beauty of the 12 steps and my recovery is that I'm more honest about everything now, too.  I am truly grateful for the peace I have found in my recovery. 

I hope you will join me over the next 6 months as I try to journey through Psalms, again, and work on completing my 12 step journey.  I hope this journey will also help you, either with your own addiction, or helping somebody close to you who is afflicted with addiction.

thanks for letting me share.

Psalm 19 (NIV) - Lord keep me from my sinful ways, that they not rule over me

From Psalms

Psalm 19
(New International Version, Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica)
(For the director of music. A psalm of David.)



¹The heavens declare the glory of God;
      the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
²Day after day they pour forth speech;
      night after night they reveal knowledge.
³They have no speech, they use no words;
      no sound is heard from them.
⁴Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
      their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun.
⁵     It is like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber,
      like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
⁶It rises at one end of the heavens
      and makes its circuit to the other;
      nothing is deprived of its warmth.

⁷ The law of the LORD is perfect,
      refreshing the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
      making wise the simple.
⁸The precepts of the LORD are right,
      giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
      giving light to the eyes.
⁹The fear of the LORD is pure,
      enduring forever.
The decrees of the LORD are firm,
      and all of them are righteous.

¹⁰They are more precious than gold,
      than much pure gold;
      they are sweeter than honey,
      than honey from the honeycomb.
¹¹By them your servant is warned;
      in keeping them there is great reward.
¹²But who can discern their own errors?
      Forgive my hidden faults.
¹³Keep your servant also from willful sins;
      may they not rule over me.
Then I will be blameless,
      innocent of great transgression.

¹⁴May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart
      be pleasing in your sight,
      O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Today temptation is all around me. I am out of town for work..."on business," as it were. This used to be my great downfall. I could isolate and watch porn or visit new and adventurous strip clubs. I would dig myself deeper into my addiction. Today, though, it is different - I know that I am dealing with a progressive disease that will strike in new ways everyday - even in recovery. So I must be prepared. In fact, my own sponsor recently relapsed after more than 6 months of sobriety despite being at this recovery game much longer than I have. And so I learned that none of us addicts can become complacent lest we fall back into the hole of our addiction. In my preparation I was even ready to find a meeting in this town away from home to help me find fellowship in my recovery - because I know that is our best means in fighting this disease.

And this is the context for which I am looking at Psalm 19, again. The ways of the Lord, His decrees, His law, His word, His precepts, His statutes, His commands, and even the fear of the Lord are great and valuable. More valuable than gold. Sweeter than honey. This I know because in following them, as difficult as it may be, bring joy, beauty, love, and richness of life that is hard to measure.

Knowing this I pray that the Lord forgive my most sinful faults, which I try to hide. Knowing this I pray that the Lord keep me from addictive ways (or willful sins), help me avoid being sucked into the temptations around me, and that they not rule over me.

May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in the sight of the Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Thanks for letting me share.

Psalm 18 (NIV) Pt II - You armed me with strength and I destroyed my foes

From Psalms

Psalm 18
(New International Version, Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica)

(For the director of music. Of David the servant of the LORD. He sang to the LORD the words of this song when the LORD delivered him from the hand of all his enemies and from the hand of Saul. He said:)

³⁶You provide a broad path for my feet,
      so that my ankles do not give way.

³⁷I pursued my enemies and overtook them;
      I did not turn back till they were destroyed.
³⁸I crushed them so that they could not rise;
      they fell beneath my feet.
³⁹You armed me with strength for battle;
      you humbled my adversaries before me.
⁴⁰You made my enemies turn their backs in flight,
      and I destroyed my foes.
⁴¹They cried for help, but there was no one to save them—
      to the LORD, but he did not answer.
⁴²I beat them as fine as windblown dust;
      I trampled them like mud in the streets.
⁴³You have delivered me from the attacks of the people;
      you have made me the head of nations.
   People I did not know now serve me,
⁴⁴   foreigners cower before me;
      as soon as they hear of me, they obey me.
⁴⁵They all lose heart;
      they come trembling from their strongholds.

⁴⁶The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock!
      Exalted be God my Savior!
⁴⁷He is the God who avenges me,
      who subdues nations under me,
⁴⁸   who saves me from my enemies.
You exalted me above my foes;
      from a violent man you rescued me.
⁴⁹Therefore I will praise you, LORD, among the nations;
      I will sing the praises of your name.

⁵⁰He gives his king great victories;
      he shows unfailing love to his anointed,
      to David and to his descendants forever.

Today, I feel good - and ready to face another day with new strength. God has a way of answering our prayers even in ways we don't necessarily expect.  I was having a bad day yesterday. One that, in the past, would have inevitably lead me to acting out. However, I went to a meeting where we were doing a reading from Step 4 from "The 12 steps for Christians" (Please see my "Books" section for more information).  As we were reading this I realized that I was having a bad day because I wasn't being honest with myself.  I was trying to do too much - and had committed to too many things at work and at home.  I was being stretched between the two, home and work, and wasn't supporting either very well.

I started to go over the day again and analyzed how I would do it again if I were to do it over.  As I went over it I understood my role in creating the situation.  You see during the day I felt like people were out to get me - which is common for addicts.  As we go through step 4 we realize that's not really the case.  We realize that there are probably things that we do to make these situations happen.  At some point along the way I had forgotten these key truths.

So, today I am armed with strength and I am armed with knowledge.

Thanks for letting me share.

Psalm 18 (NIV) Pt I - He reached down...drew me out of deep waters

From Psalms

Psalm 18
(New International Version, Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica)

(For the director of music. Of David the servant of the LORD. He sang to the LORD the words of this song when the LORD delivered him from the hand of all his enemies and from the hand of Saul. He said:)
¹I love you, LORD, my strength.

² The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
     my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
     my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

³I called to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
     and I have been saved from my enemies.
⁴The cords of death entangled me;
     the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
⁵The cords of the grave coiled around me;
     the snares of death confronted me.

⁶In my distress I called to the LORD;
     I cried to my God for help.
     From his temple he heard my voice;
     my cry came before him, into his ears.
⁷The earth trembled and quaked,
     and the foundations of the mountains shook;
     they trembled because he was angry.
⁸Smoke rose from his nostrils;
     consuming fire came from his mouth,
     burning coals blazed out of it.
⁹He parted the heavens and came down;
     dark clouds were under his feet.
¹⁰He mounted the cherubim and flew;
     he soared on the wings of the wind.
¹¹He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
     the dark rain clouds of the sky.
¹²Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
     with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
¹³The LORD thundered from heaven;
     the voice of the Most High resounded.
¹⁴He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy,
     with great bolts of lightning he routed them.
¹⁵The valleys of the sea were exposed
     and the foundations of the earth laid bare
     at your rebuke, LORD,
     at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

¹⁶He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
     he drew me out of deep waters.
¹⁷He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
     from my foes, who were too strong for me.
¹⁸They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
     but the LORD was my support.
¹⁹He brought me out into a spacious place;
     he rescued me because he delighted in me.

²⁰The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness;
     according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.
²¹For I have kept the ways of the LORD;
     I am not guilty of turning from my God.
²²All his laws are before me;
     I have not turned away from his decrees.
²³I have been blameless before him
     and have kept myself from sin.
²⁴The LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness,
     according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.

²⁵To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
     to the blameless you show yourself blameless,
²⁶to the pure you show yourself pure,
     but to the devious you show yourself shrewd.
²⁷You save the humble
     but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.
²⁸You, LORD, keep my lamp burning;
     my God turns my darkness into light.
²⁹With your help I can advance against a troop;
     with my God I can scale a wall.

³⁰As for God, his way is perfect:
     The LORD’s word is flawless;
     he shields all who take refuge in him.
³¹For who is God besides the LORD?
     And who is the Rock except our God?
³²It is God who arms me with strength
     and keeps my way secure.
³³He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
     he causes me to stand on the heights.
³⁴He trains my hands for battle;
     my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
³⁵You make your saving help my shield,
     and your right hand sustains me;
     your help has made me great.

Psalm 18 marks the first of many psalms that I could not fit into 1 page. So, Psalm 18 will span multiple days. This is good because then I can share more messages...more good news...about this Psalm.

In any case, let's start with verse 16-19, because this stands out to me.  During my recovery he reached down from high, took hold of me; pulled me out deep waters.  Lord knows I was in over my head in my addiction - and drowning.  He rescued me from my enemy, which was my addiction, which was too strong and powerful for me (step 1).  My addiction confronted me in the day of my disaster but God was my support.  He brought me to a good and spacious place...where I was out of danger.

Then from verses 25-29.  God is faithful - and those who are faithful to God, know this.  You are blameless, and those who are blameless know this.  You are pure - and those who are pure, know this, too.  However, when people are devious and choose to follow their own plan - they know You are shrewd.  You save the humble, turn darkness to light.  With God nothing is impossible - with You I can scale a wall.

I have mentioned in the past that I have a problem with some of these Psalms.  It's not a problem with the Psalms per se, as much as it is a problem with me.  You see, verses 20-24, the Lord did not save me because I am righteous.  He saved me because he is righteous.  He saved me because he is a forgiving Lord.  He saved me according to His righteousness.  That's not to say I don't try everyday to be more like Jesus than the day before.  But try as I might, I still fail.  I am not perfect.  However, God knows this - and he saves me regardless.  For that I am truly grateful.

Thanks for letting me share.

Psalm 17 (NIV) - I call on you, my God, for you will answer me

From Psalms

Psalm 17 (New International Version, Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica)
(A prayer of David.)

¹ Hear me, LORD, my plea is just;
     listen to my cry.
Hear my prayer—
     it does not rise from deceitful lips.
²Let my vindication come from you;
     may your eyes see what is right.

³Though you probe my heart,
     though you examine me at night and test me,
you will find that I have planned no evil;
     my mouth has not transgressed.
⁴Though people tried to bribe me,
     I have kept myself from the ways of the violent
     through what your lips have commanded.
⁵My steps have held to your paths;
     my feet have not stumbled.

⁶I call on you, my God, for you will answer me;
     turn your ear to me and hear my prayer.
⁷Show me the wonders of your great love,
     you who save by your right hand
     those who take refuge in you from their foes.
⁸Keep me as the apple of your eye;
     hide me in the shadow of your wings
⁹from the wicked who are out to destroy me,
     from my mortal enemies who surround me.

¹⁰They close up their callous hearts,
     and their mouths speak with arrogance.
¹¹They have tracked me down, they now surround me,
     with eyes alert, to throw me to the ground.
¹²They are like a lion hungry for prey,
     like a fierce lion crouching in cover.

¹³Rise up, LORD, confront them, bring them down;
     with your sword rescue me from the wicked.
¹⁴By your hand save me from such people, LORD,
     from those of this world whose reward is in this life.
May what you have stored up for the wicked fill their bellies;
     may their children gorge themselves on it,
     and may there be leftovers for their little ones.

¹⁵As for me, I will be vindicated and will see your face;
     when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness.

I have to admit I have a bit of problem with Psalm 17, especially verses 3-5.  For who has not stumbled in His path?  Who has not lied?  Who's mouth has not transgressed?  Who among us is without sin?  That is what I find so amazing about our Christian God.

Despite being deceitful.  Despite being liars.  Despite being addicts.  Despite all that, God still shows everything in verses 6-15.  God still answers our prayers.  God still shows us "the wonders of his great love."  He keeps each of us as the apple of His eye.  He hides us in the shadow of His wings.  He rescues us from the wicked.  He does all of this because we are forgiven because, here on Good Friday, we remember Jesus died on the cross for us.

Let me put this into context.  In the past few days I have had to deal with addictive urges.  6 months into my sobriety, I find my thoughts on sex can still be consuming.  There has been a lot of stress at work; I have been working a lot; not getting much sleep.  I still have a part of my brain that feels the need to mask that stress with porn, and of course the endorphins.  So, I have to pray.  I have to focus on Psalms.  I have to focus on the 12 steps.  Focus until the urge and temptation within me subsides, because as strong as the urge is, I have faith that it will subside.  It does subside, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, but it does subside.  With God's grace, he answers my prayers and the urges subside, and once again I can move forward in His path.  I breathe a sigh of relief and move forward - and I feel like I am forgiven.

Thanks for letting me share.

Psalm 16 (NIV) - Lord, apart from you I have no good thing

From Psalms

Psalm 16 (New International Version, ©2011)
(A miktam of David)

¹Keep me safe, my God,
     for in you I take refuge.

²I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord;
     apart from you I have no good thing.”
³I say of the holy people who are in the land,
     “They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.”
⁴Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more.
     I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods
     or take up their names on my lips.

⁵LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup;
     you make my lot secure.
⁶The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
     surely I have a delightful inheritance.
⁷I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
     even at night my heart instructs me.
⁸I keep my eyes always on the LORD.
     With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

⁹Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
     my body also will rest secure,
¹⁰because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
     nor will you let your faithful one see decay.
¹¹You make known to me the path of life;
     you will fill me with joy in your presence,
     with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

"The best things in life are not things."  No car, no money, no house, no worldy things could add up to value that I get in the fruits of the Lord.  For example, the love of my friends and family.  The joy they bring in my life, especially when I see them laugh and smile.  These are gifts from God.  He is my portion and my cup - and my cup runneth over.

It has not always been this way.  I used believe that I could gain happiness came from these worldly things.  I used to be crippled by fear.  I did not understand the difference between love and lust.  I looked for love in places where it was supposed to be sold - when all along God had given it to me in my own home.  I used to blame others for problems which I had created myself.  I cared only about my own goals and desires.

Thankfully, he is slowly replacing my fear with strength.  He is replacing my frustration with patience.  Replacing my selfishness with selflessness; my pride with humility; procrastination with action, deceit with honesty.  Slowly, God is changing me and changing my life.  Everyday, with His guidance, I continue to grow and learn more.  I have a better understanding what is truly important in life.  With that understanding, life is so much better - I'm happier, I'm more confident, things are more smooth and manageable, and I know there isn't anything I can't work through when they aren't.

Therefore my heart is glad, I rejoice and my body rest securely.

Thanks for letting me share.

Psalm 15 (NIV) - Who keeps his oath even when it hurts

From Psalms

Psalm 15 (New International Version, ©2011)
(A psalm of David.)

¹LORD, who may dwell in your sacred tent?
     Who may live on your holy mountain?

²The one whose walk is blameless,
     who does what is righteous,
     who speaks the truth from their heart;
³whose tongue utters no slander,
     who does no wrong to a neighbor,
     and casts no slur on others;
⁴who despises a vile person
     but honors those who fear the LORD;
who keeps an oath even when it hurts,
     and does not change their mind;
⁵who lends money to the poor without interest;
     who does not accept a bribe against the innocent.

     Whoever does these things
     will never be shaken.

Verses 4 and 5 stand out to this addict.  "Who keeps his oath even when it hurts and does not change his mind...will never be shaken."  It stands out for a few reasons.  It stands out because the initial process of recovery was painful for me.  I was no longer able to mask my problems with my addiction, couldn't drown my sorrows in alcohol or soothe my pain in endorphins.  This was both a mental trial as well as a physical trial.  As my body slowly learned to live without the endorphin painkillers I experienced headaches and fatigue.

However, as we, addicts, keep our oath to our Higher Power and we slowly becoming stronger.  For me my oath was re-writing all 150 psalms without relapsing.  It has been said that, "Pain is just weakness leaving your body."  I'm not sure who said it but it makes a lot of sense in this situation.  To that end as we go through this pain, in keeping our oath, we become stronger and we will not be shaken.  I certainly felt that, and know that today I am stronger and more confident than I was 6 months ago, for keeping my oath.

Here's hoping that God can provide strength and guidance in your life as he has in mine.

Thanks for letting me share.

Psalm 14 (NIV) - The LORD looks to down...to see if there are any...who seek God

From Psalms

Psalm 14 (New International Version, ©2011)
(For the director of music. Of David.)

¹The fool says in his heart,
     “There is no God.”
They are corrupt, their deeds are vile;
     there is no one who does good.

²The LORD looks down from heaven
     on all mankind
to see if there are any who understand,
     any who seek God.
³All have turned away, all have become corrupt;
     there is no one who does good,
     not even one.

⁴Do all these evildoers know nothing?

     They devour my people as though eating bread;
     they never call on the LORD.
⁵But there they are, overwhelmed with dread,
     for God is present in the company of the righteous.
⁶You evildoers frustrate the plans of the poor,
     but the LORD is their refuge.

⁷Oh, that salvation for Israel would come out of Zion!
     When the LORD restores his people,
     let Jacob rejoice and Israel be glad!

Rarely was I successful in my recovery for more than two weeks before I would relapse, again.  I bring this up because Psalm 14 marked the two week period of my sobriety.  I believe my previous attempts at sobriety failed because I didn't have anything positive to focus on.  During these failed attempts I was focusing on not acting out, not watching porn, not relapsing - Since I was focusing on the negative behavior I was doomed to fail.  Psalms, and praying psalms to God, were the positive outlet that I needed to be successful.  Eventually, I would start to see God working in my life as a result of my prayers.

My behavior didn't change overnight, though.  I slowly began become more aware of my triggers - that lead to my acting out.  A few things, like stress at work, lack of sleep, would lead me into my home office where I would previously log in to my lap to initiate the process of acting out.  Previously, I would use my laptop to find some new exploit, looking for strip clubs, massage parlors, or free internet porn sites.  However, with the project of re-writing psalms, instead of opening my laptop, I would open my NIV Bible.

In these moments of clarity I began to see how things, common in other addicts, like H.A.L.T. (Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, Tired) could trigger my previous behaviors which would lead me deeper into my hole of addiction.  Psalms made sure I would not allow these things to lead to my hole of addiction.  From there, not only could I stop these things from leading me astray, as time went on, I began to be able to prevent those triggers in the first place.  Praise the Lord, indeed.  That is part of the true path of recovery.  Obviously this led to even bigger and better things - like being able to rely more on God and understanding that my addiction was simply a symptom of larger problems in my life.  Nevertheless, initially, simply being able to avoid the behavior which had previously consumed my life seemed like huge progress.  Something I know I could not have done without God's healing hand - something that seemed only possible with Psalms.

Thanks for letting me share.

Psalm 13 (NIV) - day after day, sorrow in my heart, But I trust in your unfailing love

From Psalms

Psalm 13 (New International Version, ©2011)
(For the director of music. A psalm of David.)

¹How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
     How long will you hide your face from me?
²How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
     and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
     How long will my enemy triumph over me?

³Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
     Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
     and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

⁵But I trust in your unfailing love;
     my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶I will sing the LORD’s praise,
     for he has been good to me.

I like this Psalm 13 - inauspicious as the number be - the Psalm is short and sweet and authentic.  Everyday we face different struggles and challenges, new urges and temptations, heightened problems and issues.  Our addictions never go away or worse they are progessive and pull us away from the people we love and the life we want to live.

So where is God in all of this?  I believe in a God that allows for something good to come of every situation - especially the difficult situations.  That's not to say that bad situations are good - out of bad situations come good.  Out of difficult circumstances comes knowledge, out of trying times comes love, out of dire straits comes strength.  From the old proverb, when we're handed lemons we make lemonade.

In recovery this is easy to say...however, for those still in the struggles of addiction it will be much harder to swallow.  If you're in the middle of a divorce or just lost your job because your addiction took control of your life I can understand that this will be hard to believe.

Nevertheless, let's take it a step further though if I can.  Without lemons there would be no lemonade, so God gives us lemons so that we can make lemonade.  He gives problems to deal with so that we can become stronger.  He gives us challenges that will shape us and change our perspective.  Lemons come in all shapes and sizes if you will - and he gives no more than he thinks we can handle.  However, if you are truly blessed, like I believe I am, then God will give more than your share of lemons - so you will have lemonade to share with others.

Thank you for letting me share.

Psalm 12 (NIV) - Help, LORD, Everyone lies...and harbors deception in their hearts

From Psalms

Psalm 12 (New International Version, ©2011)
For the director of music. According to sheminith (musical term). A psalm of David.

¹Help, LORD, for no one is faithful anymore;
     those who are loyal have vanished from the human race.
²Everyone lies to their neighbor;
     they flatter with their lips
     but harbor deception in their hearts.

³May the LORD silence all flattering lips
     and every boastful tongue—
⁴those who say,
     “By our tongues we will prevail;
     our own lips will defend us—who is lord over us?”

⁵ “Because the poor are plundered and the needy groan,
     I will now arise,” says the LORD.
     “I will protect them from those who malign them.”
⁶And the words of the LORD are flawless,
     like silver purified in a crucible,
     like gold refined seven times.

⁷You, LORD, will keep the needy safe
     and will protect us forever from the wicked,
⁸who freely strut about
     when what is vile is honored by the human race.

I think it's important as much as possible to try and do one psalm every day, despite doing step work.  Now I say that having just taken a much needed vacation with my family which has interrupted my both my written psalms and my online psalms.  So long as there was no acting out or relapse in the addiction I do not see much fault in that.  In any case, there is a lot of work in step work but as much as possible try to keep both step work and psalms going together.

On today's psalm, psalm 12, we see a lot of overlap and consistency with step 1.  As addicts we were dishonest.  As addicts we harbored deception in our hearts.  Thankfully, the LORD says, "I will arise," and he will protect us from ourselves, "from the protect them from those who malign them."  Or perhaps he will also protect us from those who sell us in our addiction.  From the huge corporations that create and market alcohol and sexual pleasure as a pathway to happiness.  I believe it is a combination - through prayer we will find a pathway to what is important and to more meaningful happiness.  Not a happiness that is based on instant gratification.

Thanks for letting me share.

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over addiction...pt I

Anyone who has stepped into a meeting knows the power of their addiction and the struggle to fight it. It seems that its only in the most dire circumstances that we admit there's nothing we can do:
- losing a job
- losing a marriage
- getting charged with a crime

There's a little more to step one though. Step one is about putting our addiction on the table, and putting it into the light. It's the first step towards honesty - and the first step towards healing and recovery.

Over the next three days I will list a some exercises and questions that will help with that honesty.  Now these exercises are focused on Sex Addiction because my addiction to the natural endorphines released at orgasm are the substance that I had the most trouble with. Nearly all the books on my books page will also have similar exercises - which will help in being honest with how bad things had gotten.

So, let's start with powerlessness.  This is the urge to act out which takes the seemingly illogical precedence over family, work, safety and health concerns.  The inability to control the type, time, place or circumstances of our sexual behavior.  Promises, to ourselves and to others are broken - all best intentions are thwarted.  To gain a better understanding of how powerless you have become to your sexual behavior here are some behaviors I would like you to cite examples (at least 2 per topic) of: (Find a piece of paper where you can write this down)

Pre-occupation: Thinking about, looking forward to, planning, fantasizing about, setting up, or hiding sexual behavior:  (also determine how much time you spend every week just with preoccupation)

Attempts to Control: Switching Sexual Partners or Behaviors, internet filters, previous treatments, journal, self-imposed celibacy or abstinence, geographic moves.

Destructive Behavior:  Physical injury or risk of physical injury to self or others, diseases or infections, abusive behaviors to others, destroyed relationships, money spent on sex when it was needed for rent or food.

Progression of disease: Masturbation to porn to strip clubs to webcams; or cruising to paid sex to public anonymous sex.

This is the first exercise of step 1.  We will start to drill into each of these areas and explore more as we expose how bad our disease had really gotten over the next few days.  This honesty, in no way, will be easy.  However, it is necessary for recovery.

Thanks for letting me share.

Psalm 11 (NIV) - He hates the wicked who love violence (and pornography)

From Psalms

Psalm 11 (New International Version, ©2011)
(For the director of music. Of David.)

¹In the LORD I take refuge.
     How then can you say to me:
     “Flee like a bird to your mountain.
²For look, the wicked bend their bows;
     they set their arrows against the strings
to shoot from the shadows
     at the upright in heart.
³When the foundations are being destroyed,
     what can the righteous do?”

⁴The LORD is in his holy temple;
     the LORD is on his heavenly throne.
He observes everyone on earth;
     his eyes examine them.
⁵The LORD examines the righteous,
     but the wicked, those who love violence,
     he hates with a passion.
⁶On the wicked he will rain
     fiery coals and burning sulfur;
     a scorching wind will be their lot.

⁷For the LORD is righteous,
     he loves justice;
     the upright will see his face.

Notice how I added "pornography" to the list of the things that wicked people love.  When I re-wrote this Psalm.  I must have been in a focused mood that day - porn was the enemy.  However, God was on my side, so whom then shall I fear?  For God will destroy evil.

Which leads me to another concept I'd like to discuss.  As we grow and mature spiritually God helps us destroy the wicked and evil part (or parts) of us - the selfish, impatient, uncaring person - the addict if you will.  As he does he helps us replace it with a stronger, giving, caring, selfless, kind, and patient person.  This growth and change is slow and painful.  For there is no growth without change, and no change without loss, and no loss without pain.  But we know that this change is absolutely necessary because of the dire circumstances we found ourselves in as an addict is not the life we want any longer.

But there is hope because the hope of the afflicted will never perish.  If God has seen us through 11 days of Psalms and another day of sobriety.  With every day of sobriety there is more strength and more light and more hope.  We will prevail over our addiction.

Thank you for letting me share.

Psalm 10 (NIV) - In all his thoughts there is no room for God

From Psalms

Psalm 10 (New International Version, ©2011)

¹Why, LORD, do you stand far off?
     Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?

²In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak,
     who are caught in the schemes he devises.
³He boasts about the cravings of his heart;
     he blesses the greedy and reviles the LORD.
⁴In his pride the wicked man does not seek him;
     in all his thoughts there is no room for God.
⁵His ways are always prosperous;
     your laws are rejected by him;
     he sneers at all his enemies.
⁶He says to himself, “Nothing will ever shake me.”
     He swears, “No one will ever do me harm.”

⁷His mouth is full of lies and threats;
     trouble and evil are under his tongue.
⁸He lies in wait near the villages;
     from ambush he murders the innocent.
His eyes watch in secret for his victims;
⁹like a lion in cover he lies in wait.
He lies in wait to catch the helpless;
     he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net.
¹⁰His victims are crushed, they collapse;
     they fall under his strength.
¹¹He says to himself, “God will never notice;
     he covers his face and never sees.”

¹²Arise, LORD! Lift up your hand, O God.
     Do not forget the helpless.
¹³Why does the wicked man revile God?
     Why does he say to himself,
     “He won’t call me to account”?
¹⁴But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted;
     you consider their grief and take it in hand.
The victims commit themselves to you;
     you are the helper of the fatherless.
¹⁵Break the arm of the wicked man;
     call the evildoer to account for his wickedness
     that would not otherwise be found out.

¹⁶The LORD is King for ever and ever;
     the nations will perish from his land.
¹⁷You, LORD, hear the desire of the afflicted;
     you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,
¹⁸defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
     so that mere earthly mortals
     will never again strike terror.

Wow - there's a lot of great things here. Where do I begin?  Let's start with verse 4 - "in all his thoughts there is no room for God."  This is another part of what I have learned during recovery.  I now know that I did not have room for God in my thoughts.  However, as I started to rewrite the Psalms I lost room in my thoughts for my addiction.  As I worked through the 12 steps I made room for God, too, and lost room for my addictions.  These are habits that needs to be practiced and repeated.  After years of drinking and acting out sexually for hours every day I had some deep rooted habits.  It will probably take years reading the Bible and working the steps for hours every to replace my old habits with my new habits.

There are two other parts of this Psalm I want to look at quickly.  "God will never notice," and, "Call the evildoer to account for his wickedness."  As addicts, we say things, "We're not hurting anyone," ""Nobody will ever know the difference," or "Everybody does it."  In saying these things we are saying, "God will never notice."  However, in recovery we learn God was watching.  Inevitably, God puts us in a situation where we are taken to account, when we hit "rock bottom."  It's at this point we have to choose between being saved by him or losing everything we have in life.  My hope is that you choose to open your heart to God and recovery instead of losing everything.

With that, I would like to close with a thought of hope.  Verse 17, "You, LORD, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry."  We the afflicted, the addicted, the alcoholics, God hears our cry.  Listen to the Holy Spirit for his encouragement.  We will prevail over the chains of alcohol.  We will prevail over the prison of our sexual addictions.

Thanks for letting me share.

Psalm 9 (NIV) - The hope of the afflicted will never parish

From Psalms

Psalm 9 (New International Version, ©2011)
(For the director of music. To the tune of “The Death of the Son.” A psalm of David.)

¹I will give thanks to you, LORD, with all my heart;
      I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.
²I will be glad and rejoice in you;
      I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High.

³My enemies turn back;
      they stumble and perish before you.
⁴For you have upheld my right and my cause,
      sitting enthroned as the righteous judge.
⁵You have rebuked the nations and destroyed the wicked;
      you have blotted out their name for ever and ever.
⁶Endless ruin has overtaken my enemies,
      you have uprooted their cities;
      even the memory of them has perished.

⁷The LORD reigns forever;
      he has established his throne for judgment.
⁸He rules the world in righteousness
      and judges the peoples with equity.
⁹The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
      a stronghold in times of trouble.
¹⁰Those who know your name trust in you,
      for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

¹¹Sing the praises of the LORD, enthroned in Zion;
      proclaim among the nations what he has done.
¹²For he who avenges blood remembers;
      he does not ignore the cries of the afflicted.

¹³LORD, see how my enemies persecute me!
      Have mercy and lift me up from the gates of death,
¹⁴that I may declare your praises
      in the gates of Daughter Zion,
      and there rejoice in your salvation.

¹⁵The nations have fallen into the pit they have dug;
      their feet are caught in the net they have hidden.
¹⁶The LORD is known by his acts of justice;
      the wicked are ensnared by the work of their hands.
¹⁷The wicked go down to the realm of the dead,
      all the nations that forget God.
¹⁸But God will never forget the needy;
      the hope of the afflicted will never perish.

¹⁹Arise, O LORD, do not let mortals triumph;
      let the nations be judged in your presence.
²⁰Strike them with terror, LORD;
      let the nations know they are only mortal.               Selah

Today I am making some changes.  First, today I realized that the version of the New International Version which wrote out in long hand - the images you see in my blog - were from an old version of the NIV.  However, Biblegateway has the new version, as of this year.  So, I will start typing from that, and you'll be able to see how the NIV has evolved over the past 20 years or so.

Now for Psalm 9 and my aching addict heart.  Give thanks to the LORD (verse 1), I rejoice (verse 2) the enemy of the whole army of evil desires has been abated (verse 3), even their memory perished (verse 6).  Before we get ahead of ourselves we are reminded that this is a one day at a time struggle that we can never take for granted.  Nevertheless, now that we have made it past another day, we can take a deep breath that we are no longer in our hole of addiction. 

Finally, I'd like to close with: "he does not ignore the cries of the afflicted," (verse 12) and "God will not forget the needy, the hope of the afflicted will never perish."  Keep this in your mind today and know that God is us even when temptation seems closer than He is.

Thanks for letting me share.

Psalm 8 (NIV) - How majestic is your name in all the earth!

From Psalms

Psalm 8 
(For the director of music. According to gittith. A psalm of David.)

¹ LORD, our Lord,
     how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory
     above the heavens.
²From the lips of children and infants
     you have ordained praise (or strength)
because of your enemies,
     to silence the foe and the avenger.
³ When I consider your heavens,
     the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
     which you have set in place,
⁴what is man that you are mindful of him,
     the son of man that you care for him?
⁵You have made them a little lower than the heavenly beings (or angels)
     and crowned them with glory and honor.

⁶You made him ruler over the works of your hands;
     you put everything under his feet:
⁷all flocks and herds,
     and the beasts of the field,
⁸the birds of the air,
     and the fish in the sea,
     all that swim the paths of the seas.
⁹LORD, our Lord,
     how majestic is your name in all the earth!

There was a time I believed that God did not care enough about me, that he would have bigger and more important things going on, to help me with my simple, insignificant addiction.  However, as I re-read and type Psalm 8 for this blog I realize what God has done for all people, not just us as a group but for each and every one of us.  I am reminded of how foolish my thinking was.  God certainly does care.  I am pretty sure we go through addiction, and recovery from addiction, for a specific purpose or specific lessons to be learned.

For everyone that purpose and lesson is different.  Here's are some of the things that I have learned, and what I believe God has taught me during my recovery:

• God works in our lives through the people around us
• So it's absolutely critical to go to meetings, even if you don't plan to share initially
• or talk to people about our addictions
• You need to be able to ask for help before you can expect to get it
• Only God can read your mind and even he needs you to pray
• Back to point one...ask those around you for help - you'll be surprised at the support and love you get
• You need to give a hug in order to get a hug; you need to give love to receive love
•  From the Step 11 Prayer:
  Lord grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted  
  to understand, than to be understood
  to love, than to be loved
• Be faithful and patient...real change comes slowly

God creates miracles - as illustrated in this Psalm.  Miracles come in all types and sizes - And miracles include the recovery of addicts who have hit rock bottom.  This is one addict who will attest to the fact that God can change a life in unbelievable ways.

Thanks for letting me share.

Psalm 7 (NIV) - Whoever digs a hole falls into the pit he has made

From Psalms

Psalm 7
(A shiggaion of David, which he sang to the LORD concerning Cush, a Benjamite.)

¹ LORD my God, I take refuge in you;
     save and deliver me from all who pursue me,
² or they will tear me apart like a lion
     and rip me to pieces with no one to rescue me.
³ LORD my God, if I have done this
     and there is guilt on my hands—
⁴if I have done evil to him who is at peace with me
     or without cause have robbed my foe—
⁵ then let my enemy pursue and overtake me;
     let him trample my life to the ground
     and make me sleep in the dust.                                   Selah
⁶Arise, LORD, in your anger;
     rise up against the rage of my enemies.
     Awake, my God; decree justice.
⁷Let the assembled peoples gather around you.
     Rule over them on high;
⁸     let the LORD judge the peoples.
Judge me, O LORD, according to my righteousness,
     according to my integrity, O Most High.
⁹O righteous God,
     who seaches minds and hearts,
bring to an end the violence of the wicked
     and make the righteous secure.
¹⁰My shield is God Most High,
     who saves the upright in heart.
¹¹God is a righteous judge,
     a God who expresses his wrath every day.
¹² If he does not relent,
     he will sharpen his sword;
     he will bend and string his bow.
¹³He has prepared his deadly weapons;
     he makes ready his flaming arrows.
¹⁴Whoever is pregnant with evil
     and conceives trouble and gives birth to disillusionment.
¹⁵Whoever digs a hole and scoops it out
     falls into the pit he has made.
¹⁶The trouble he causes recoils on himself;
     his violence comes down on his own head.
¹⁷I will give thanks to the LORD because of his righteousness;
     and will sing praise to the name of the LORD Most High.

Jesus spoke in parables because they make the message easy to understand.  Although there is a lot of good things in this Psalm I would like to focus on the parable, if you will, of the hole described in verse 15 in this Psalm.  The hole of our addiction is incredibly fitting for a lot of reasons.  Addiction is progressive, as time goes on we drink more frequently, we drink more volume - we get deeper into the hole.  As we get deeper into the hole we become more isolated.  As we get deeper into the hole life becomes more dark.  As we dig deeper we become more trapped and it becomes harder to get out.  When we do get out this hole, which has become so big it often "sucks" us back in.  Not until we start filling the hole back in do we actually start to become successful - and that's where the 12 steps begins to come into this parable.

Let me try...so here we are mired in our hole of addiction.  We've tried a few times to get out.  In step 1 we step out of the hole - admit its there, confess to the size and nature of the hole.  In step 2 we realize that we find our way back in without the help of our Higher Power.  Step 3 we begin to fill it back in with the help of our Higher Power.  In Steps 4, 5, 9, 10 we do some pretty heavy (and dirty) lifting to fill the hole back in.  Thankfully we have steps 3, 6, 7, 11 where we are able to lean on and ask God for strength.  Then having filled our hole, knowing that this broken ground is easily dug into again, in Step 12 we search for other addicts who need help filling their addictive holes.

Since we know all to well that this broken ground is easily made into a hole, again, we repeat these 12 steps.  Each time we go through it learning something new.  That, to me, is how the hole is like our addiction and what I learned from Psalm 7.
Thank you for letting me share.

Psalm 6 (NIV) - the LORD has heard my cry for mercy

From Psalms

Psalm 6 
(For the director of music. With stringed instruments. According to sheminith. A psalm of David.)
¹LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
     or discipline me in your wrath.
²Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint;
     heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.
³ My soul is in deep anguish.
     How long, O LORD, how long?
⁴Turn, O LORD, and deliver me;
     save me because of your unfailing love.
⁵No one remembers you when he is dead.
     Who praises you from the grave (sheol)?
⁶ I am worn out from my groaning;
     all night long I flood my bed with weeping
     and drench my couch with tears.
⁷My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
     they fail because of all my foes.
⁸Away from me, all you who do evil,
     for the LORD has heard my weeping.
⁹The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
     the LORD accepts my prayer.
¹⁰All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed;
     they will turn back in sudden disgrace.

"God save me," "God deliver me." 

After focusing and meditating on Psalms over the past 6 months I have learned that God works through the people around us.  So it is that God saves us (and delivers us) through the people around us.  So it should be no surprise that one of the most effective tools we have in overcoming addiction is in sharing our struggle with a friend or support group.  If you're struggling with an addiction search for (or pray for) a friend to talk to about it, or for a 12 step/recovery meeting to go to.  Once we can start being open and honest with someone else we can start being honest with ourselves and start the long process of recovery.  Don't conceal your addiction - reveal your addiction.

Ironically, we hide our addictions because we want others to think that we are managing everything fine.  When those closest to us know, just as we do, that everything is not fine - it's completely unmanageable.  More than that, if it was manageable it wouldn't be controlling our lives, our decisions, our time and forcing us to lie, forcing us to spend money.  Addiction is too big to handle by ourselves in isolation.  You need a group or friend to support you and encourage you.  When you find those people you will start seeing the work of God in your recovery...sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly.  In any case, eventually, as we journey down the 12 steps our prayers begin to answered.  Hopefully, too, we start to help do God's work in lives of other addicts...that is a great even in the process of recovery.  One that I look forward to.

Thanks for letting me share.

Psalm 5 (NIV) - In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice

From Psalms

Psalm 5  (For the director of music. For pipes. A psalm of David.)

¹ Listen to my words, O LORD,
     consider my lament.
² Hear my cry for help,
     my King and my God,
     for to you I pray.
³ In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice;
     in the morning I lay my requests before you
     and wait in expectation.
⁴ For you are not a God who takes pleasure in evil;
     with you, the wicked cannot dwell.
⁵The arrogant cannot stand in your presence;
     You hate all who do wrong;
⁶You destroy those who tell lies.
     bloodthirsty and deceitful men
     the LORD abhors.
⁷But I, by your great mercy,
     will come into your house;
in reverence will I bow down
     toward your holy temple.
⁸Lead me, LORD, in your righteousness
     because of my enemies —
     make straight your way before me.
⁹Not a word from their mouth can be trusted;
     their heart is filled with destruction.
Their throat is an open grave;
     with their tongue they speak deceit.
¹⁰Declare them guilty, O God!
     Let their intrigues be their downfall.
Banish them for their many sins,
     for they have rebelled against you.
¹¹But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
     let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
     that those who love your name may rejoice in you.
¹²For surely, O LORD, you bless the righteous;
     you surround them with your favor as with a shield.

As part of my recovery I have set-up a time everyday in which to focus and meditate on His word.  This has been critical to the success over my addictions.  I would like to say I do it every morning at 5:00 AM at exactly - but, because I am only human, it's more like every morning before 6:00 AM.  And so it is very meaningful to read verse 3, "In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectation."

As an addict my daily request, which I lay before him, is that He be with me and guide me.  When I am faced with temptation that I choose in a way that would help me grow and not a way that I would be destroyed.  That I have wisdom to make the right choices and the courage to act on those choices.  For he knows "There are is a whole army of evil desires within you," (James 4:1 Living Bible) and it through the prayers of Psalms that I get my strength to conquer those armies.

Thanks for letting me share.